Introduction

Yesterday was the worst kind of day. Worst day. Details aren't really necessary (why would I want to remember all of it?) but there was a proper flip-out, followed by a break-up, and then some crying and a little panic attack and intervention by some very nice men from the school office. The weird (positive-weird) thing about going to such a tiny school is that the principal didn't just know my name. He didn't just know my counselor and get us talking within five minutes; he also knew every traumatic thing that's happened to me in the past fifteen months.

None of it matters. Today, I woke up and made a to-do list and by now I've crossed off half the things that were on it. I picked a career path and made a list of things to do the moment I turn eighteen (cigarettes). I wrote several important letters to different people.

My first encounter with eating disorders was a few years ago-- I lost a lot of weight really quickly after my aunt died. I had a relapse when I fell into some sort of strange phase of constant anxiety a few months after that. Then there was my grandfather's death. This time last year, after having maintained a normal weight for a long time without thinking much of it, I had another episode. For me, an episode is dropping twenty pounds in as many days, becoming a perfectionist who cares deeply about the calories in gum, thinking I'm hideous looking, and then entering a phase where my head hasn't recovered but my habits have.

I've been eating "normally". I don't really mean "normally", but I've been eating enough to stay the same normal weight (much lower than my highest, not much higher than my lowest) and occasionally doing eating disordered things like purging and neurotically counting calories. (I've never made myself throw up, nor were these purges preceded by a binge.)

But when I'm upset, then I don't want to eat, and then I remember exactly how fantastic it feels (the sense of control and self-worth!) and then I realize that if I don't have a plan, I won't keep it up.

Today should have been a 300-calorie day, but we had milk and I drank several cups of very milky coffee. With any luck, active productivity (my clothes are totally reorganized) and caffeine will counteract the effect.